FOUR STEPS TO FORGIVENESS…

In about six weeks Nancy and I will resume a ministry we love to hate, our Divorce Recovery Support Group. We hate it because those who attend are hurting, big time, and because it’s no fun having to hurt with them. This having been said, we love it because it’s incredibly gratifying to come alongside someone who’s facing severe suffering and to serve as God’s instrument of healing.

There are lots of heavy-duty emotional and spiritual issues that a divorcing person faces, but without a doubt the biggest is the issue of forgiveness. How do you forgive someone to whom you’ve given intimate access to your being only to have that someone cut your heart out? Agreed, not every divorcing situation springs from a hideous breach of trust, but most do and it’s incredibly difficult to handle. In fact, no one can absorb a dagger to the soul like this and still forgive the person wielding the weapon. It’s impossible. That’s one of the biggest bits of bad news about divorce.

However, what we can’t do, God can. So often men and women come into our group, rage-filled and preoccupied with get-even fantasies, only to leave sixteen weeks later having been liberated from vindictive obsessions. What happens during these sixteen weeks? In a word, forgiveness. Complete forgiveness? No. Forgiveness won’t be complete until we meet and greet Jesus in heaven. I’m convinced of that, but a sufficient threshold of forgiveness can be reached in the here-and-now to supplant vengeful fantasies with beneficent, well-wishing prayers.

So, how is this forgiveness, even a modicum of it, brought about? Since it’s beyond our human ability, we preach to our recovery group that you must take four steps. One, don’t wait until you “feel like” forgiving your spouse. You’ll be dead and buried first. Two, accept that you don’t have the inner wherewithal to forgive since our human lust for vengeance is too strong. Three, get in touch with how much you’ve been forgiven by Christ despite your unrelenting rejection of his plans, purposes and principles. And four, “choose” to forgive your former spouse as a way of honoring Christ for his forgiveness on the Cross, even if you don’t feel like it. God will then honor this choice by seeing to it that your “feeling” of forgiveness eventually catches up to the choice you’ve made.

Keep in mind that these four steps to forgiveness work in any situation, not just divorce. A nasty boss, an outspoken friend, a disrespectful child, a jealous sibling, a mean-spirited adversary…we can be badly wounded by anyone for any number of reasons. Should we forgive even if the offender expresses no remorse or need for forgiveness? Yes, as hard as that is, because un-forgiveness always shrivels our ability to access and enjoy God’s love, and that’s definitely not good. The choice to forgive does not require the offender’s cooperation.

On his way to the Cross Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34). Don’t think for one minute that he was only forgiving those who surrounded him. That prayer was also for you and me because not a day, not a minute goes by when we don’t, by attitude and action, effectively declare to him, “I want a divorce!”

Love and blessings,

David